on your mark, get set

I don’t have a conventional idea of where home is. I haven’t for a few years now. Home has always been where I am. Which is good to some extent but can also be confusing, for how do I satisfy that feeling of going home if I don’t know where that is.
I moved out of the house I grew up in the same summer my parents sold the house and left the city. That’s when ‘home’ changed from being a place to being an idea. And I’m getting a better idea of what home is supposed to be now. Comfort, firmiliarity, love.
Nita and Neil came for a visit and it was awesome. They stayed here for two days and in that time we hung out, drank, shot the shit, laughed, discussed and relaxed. And ate. We ate so much.
And the whole time they were here I felt like I was at home again. So there you go. It’s the people you know, the ones who get you and love you. I’m on this formality we-aren’t-really-friends-yet level with this whole goddamn city it feels. I’m sure it’s something that will change in due time but it’s fucking hard to deal with sometimes. I’m wanting some connection to something, anything.
Course that won’t happen till I stop paying attention.

I met Ruby Moran Dunsmoor today! Yeah! I called Adam and he was ‘Jus’ at the farm pickin’ up some charred.’ So I stopped by a little bit later. And my gosh. She is fucking perfect. I’ve always been fairly indifferent when it comes to babies but I’ve never really met one I’ve been particularly ‘close’ to. By association of course. I’m just so fucking stoked for Adam and Ange. I said ‘Ange. She’s perfect. She looks fully cooked.’
Tiny fingers and toes and stuff. Goddamn. It’s so cool really. I held her and she wiggled a bit. She makes little chirping noises like a bird. They’re moving closer to me and I can’t wait to see her grow. Such a trip.

Neil and Nita are gonna be here in a matter of hours and I am so fucking PUMPED I cannot believe it. I love them and I love having friends who love me around. Low maintenence. Chill on the couch and drink beer time. Yes. Sir.

“You are not always as confident as you look and there are reasons to believe you have come close to cracking of late, but you are still in there fighting. Your indomitable spirit never gives up.”

My horoscope today. And Jesus Christ it was bang on.

The Victoria Public Library is quite the place. My internet at home is down so I’ve been coming here to check email and get movies (the dvd collection is off the heeeezie). Yesterday I was sitting at a computer and there was a lady at the one directly in front of me. Our monitors were back to back so I couldn’t see her face but I could tell she was older, she had a walker and she was incredibly short and fat. And she was dying. I swear to god. Never have I heard such awful hacking coughing noises leaving a human beings body before. It was disgusting. This kept on for quite some time and she was being shot nasty looks from other people using the computers, particularly one guy who looked like your typical chemistry teacher, moustache and all. But she just kept on, hacking and sputtering away for the better part of an hour. She sounded like a really old shitty car that was running out of gas. Or a boat. It was incredibly unnerving. And what with this whole swine vomit thing being blown out of proportion again I thought she had H1N1 for sure. I continued doing what I was doing and after a while I noticed that the sounds of death coming from directly in front of me and ceased to be and I became curious. I was finished doing my thing on the computer and was standing to put my coat on when I looked at her and much to my shock discovered that the woman had fallen asleep. Hand on mouse, head bobbing up and down slightly with each breath, mouth open, tongue poking out of it. Asleep. And then I left the area. How the hell does someone just fall asleep after being so clearly close to the other side? It’s amazing.
I’m back here today and she is not. So if she did actually succumb, I take comfort in knowing her body was rushed away with incredible urgency and alacrity. Thankyou Victoria Public Library. You make me feel safe.

I know it’s a bit late (early?) to be making New Year’s resolutions but I made one last night anyway.
I am going to write something every day. I was recently reading the blog of a friend/writer I admire and figured that the only way to go about it is to write like crazy. (duh.) I’m also re-reading Harriet The Spy. Always good motivation.

So. I have this thing that happens to me on a pretty regular basis. I’ll think about someone and then I’ll see them. And it happened yesterday twice. I was at the ocean and for some reason this guy named Ben entered my mind. He’s a busker I met at the library one day a few weeks ago and I’ve seen him around a few times since. Whenever we see eachother we wave and say hi and stuff and continue on our ways. I was walking to work a bit later and he was sitting out front of a cafe I passed. He waved and said hello and I did the same, thinking how it was weird that that had just happened again. I walked into work thinking about my special powers when I looked up and saw a really fucking familiar face. Who gave me a kinda sheepish grin and half assed wave while I looked at him and thought ‘I know this guy. Where the fuck do I know this guy from’ and then he spoke. He said ‘Do you recognize me? I think we planted together this summer.’
And it all happened again. I had thought about this guy Adam, 2 days ago. He was working with the other crew that was in 100 Mile House this summer staying in the same motel as my crew. We spoke a few times on the porch. He’s making a movie about tree planting, about a guy named Franz Otto essentially but it’s more or less about the planting industry, and was always filming stuff. I remember there was a shit load of snow on the ground for a May morning and we wouldn’t be going to work that day. As a few of us stood in a circle bitching about it and smoking weed he hovered around us with the video camera capturing the moment. A few weeks later his crew took off and went to Vernon to plant there and I was pretty sure I’d never see the dude again. I was curious about his movie though and was thinking about it the other day. Then bang. I walk into work and he’s sitting there waving at me.
Turns out he was in Victoria with the dude who owns Brinkman Reforestation, getting some footage of him rocking the political side of things, leaving for my hometown PG on the 7 pm ferry that night. He left after an hour or so, said bye and that he’d send me an email when things for the film started taking off.
And so it goes. I keep finding that I know a lot of transient folk. I’m always seeing someone I know from somewhere else or meeting someone who knows people I know from somewhere else. I love it. It keeps things so interesting. And it’s comforting. Like there’s some big invisible thing that surrounds me and connects everyone I know. It’s a neat thought to think when I’m feeling a bit vulnerable and lonely in a new place.

Now. Enough of that. I’m sitting a MokSana Yoga. In Fan Tan Alley (one of my favorite places I’ve ever been). I scored a job here working for yoga basically. Every Tuesday I sit at this desk for 3 hours and listen to the fountain in the corner and read books. It’s pretty damn awesome I think.

I keep thinking about death lately. I’m not sure if that’s healthy or not but it’s happening anyway.
Thinking about what death does to people. What it means and all that crap. I had a big talk with Natahna the other night after a day of riding bikes and drinking soda about Ryan. It was really lovely to talk about him again. I think about him every day but it’s been a while since I recounted him to another person. I really miss him so much. Wish I could hear about this adventure he’s on. We spoke of ghosts and spirits and being visited by them and stuff.
I felt Ryan only once after he died and it was 2 or three days after it happened. I was sitting at my parents kitchen table around eleven at night and I had been crying for two days. My mum, tired from comforting me had gone to bed and I was the only one in the house awake. I was thinking about what to say at the funeral, thinking about how we used to hang out in the same spot I was sitting thinking about how unfair it was that all this shit happened and how fucking awful it was. And then I stopped crying. And I calmed down. And I breathed. And somehow everything felt alright and I knew it was going to be okay. My thoughts became slower and I felt my way of thinking change slightly, petty matters left, my mind cleared and then I was just sitting there at the table staring straight ahead. At that moment I felt like Ryan was there sitting with me helping me deal with it, passing his old soul calm wisdom on to me to help it hurt less. It was the strangest thing.
I remember speaking to someone about the idea of Ryan ‘visiting’ us after he died. I don’t think he stuck around for long. And I don’t think he’s going to come see anyone any time soon. After all, he’s free now and he was always after adventure.

And now for something completely different…

Friends of mine are having a baby down the street right now. I was biking home from work and bumped into Adam walking down the street. I said ‘Haaaayy Adam’ and he said ‘Hi Torie. Guess what? Ange is in labor.’
It’s pretty amazing to think about. I planted with Adam this summer and spent two days right off the bat with him. We were planting a fucked up block and each of the vets had to take a rookie so no one fucked up and Adam was mine. For two days we planted a rocky hillside with a few nicer patches and talked about all sorts of things. Adam would pull out all sorts of random characters and put them on from time to time, making the time pass faster. He told me about working on a boat for ten years, how it leaves you slightly insane yet extremely solid and wise if you handle it properly. And he talked about Ange a lot. I couldn’t wait to meet her upon coming to Victoria. Any lady that could handle Adam and his ridiculous enthusiasm must be special all right.
And now their baby is on the way. So soon the little tucker shall grace the world. It’s amazing how fast it happens.

I’ve worked in cafes since I was about 16 or 17 and for the most part I’ve enjoyed it. I like people, I like being in a good mood for no particular reason. Sure there are a few shitty customers and less than pleasant co workers but that’s like any job.
I’ve never felt like punching a customer in the face.
Until today. It finally fucking happened. And what happened wasn’t really all that punch worthy in retrospect.
I was on till (I don’t really like till, I’d rather be burning my hands on hot milk making lattes) and this younger dude with a beard comes up and orders a coffee. When I handed it to him he complimented me on my feather tattooed on my right wrist. “It looks like it just landed there. Beautiful” he said. I was about to thank him when an older gentleman in line behind him butted into our conversation.
“That’s there forever you know.” he said.
I wanted to look down, pretend to try to scrub it off, look up and say ‘OH SHIT’ and then run off, but instead I said
“Yes, I’m aware of that sir.”
“That’s going to look ridiculous when you’re 85″ he said.
“Yeah, well. I didn’t get it because it’ll look good when I’m 85. I got it because it looks good now.” I said.
“It’s just so funny, all these young kids are getting covered in tattoos. It’s going to be hilarious to see in a few years when you all start getting old.”
I so badly wanted to say “YEAH! BUT YOU PROBABLY WON’T BE AROUND THEN WILL YOU OLD MAN?”
But I just said “Yes, well, personal preference and all that. This tattoo is for me, not for other people.”
and THEN the old one, man of the mouth that would not close said
“You just aren’t thinking, all you young people.”
Anyone who knows me knows that one of my hugest pet peeves is older people dismissing young people based soley on the fact that they are young. Lumping all young people into one category that most of us are not of and sticking with it.
“Sir, I think often.” I said, slowly, with a smirk on my face. “Now, what can I get you?”
“Double americano” He said.
“Alright then, that’ll be $2.55.”
He threw down a buck and a quarter, grumbling something along the tattoo hating line, again and said “Here.”
“That’s not quite enough I’m afraid.” I said.
I very much enjoyed the fact that this old man was getting all huffy and throwing coins around so at this point I gave him a huge smile and leaned on the counter, both tattooed forearms facing him and said “And would you like room for cream?”
Finally he got the change sorted, nodded and shuffled off to the other side of the bar where my un-inked co worker Nick made him his drink.
At this point beard guy looked at me (he stuck around for the battle) and said “I really enjoyed that. Way to go dude.” and dropped a hefty tip in the jar.

That’s my story for the day. In other news, not much has changed at all. The weather here is beautiful lately. The weather is always beautiful here, even if it’s raining. I ran into Naomi and a gang of her school peeps on my way home from work today and commenced to bike to pizza with her. She mirrored my feelings of lonliness and said it was pretty rad that we hang out often. I agreed totally. I’m stoked on making new friends and stuff but I really miss my old crew. I miss the friends that KNOW me, and having Naomi around is fucking wicked.
Tom Waits is serenading me, my window is open, the moon is bright. Shit’s pretty dang good.
I hada huge idea last night. Things are brewing in my mind. A very large project will be upon me in a few weeks I feel. One that could quite possibley change my life.
Perfect.

My favorite writer on the difference between hipsters and retards:

“You used to be able to tell the difference between hipsters and homeless people. Now, it’s between hipsters and retards. I mean, either that guy in the corner in orange safety pants holding a protest sign and wearing a top hat is mentally disabled or he is the coolest fucking guy you will ever know.”
-Chuck Klosterman

I have this problem where I’m an impatient person. I’ve lived in Victoria for a week. I love it here, everyone knows that. But I’m fucking lonely. Duh. New place, new routine. I’ve been just going to work and coming home and hanging out by myself. Naomi and I have gone out for drinks a few times but still, I feel like a Tom Waits song. It isn’t hard for me to be positive, and I’m by no means depressed, it just sucks being all lonely like this.
SO! I’m going to the movies tonight by my lonesome. I haven’t done that for a while. The last time it happened I was feeling like this. I went to see Milk at the Van East cinema and cried by myself. It’s a good movie. I’m going to see Julie and Julia. Pan said it’ll make me feel happy. That would be nice.

Today I worked at the cafe with a girl called Caitlin who I feel will become a friend. I laughed straight for about 4 hours. A dude who also works there, Jason, showed us this crazy experiment where you lick your arm, put salt on it and then hold ice onto the salt. It pretty much freezes your skin. Like rock hard. It was fucking amazing. Slightly painful, but amazing nonetheless. And then I obtained a phone number that I had sought after for a while but upon aquiring it feel I will likely never use. Oh well, he knows where I work now.

is pretty fucking awesome right now.
i’m sitting in my HOUSE in VICTORIA listening to cocorosie, drinking some fuckin’ pellegrino, thinking about stuff.
Wells was fucking amazing, Cambala was equally as amazing.
So. I got back to Vancouver after my summer of northern adventure to find that I really fucking hate it there. And maybe hate is too strong a word to use but I could find nothing that I really liked about it. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much happier I knew I’d be if I just went ahead and moved myself to the island. So I began my search. Countless hours on craigslist trying to find a house. I was aware that house first job second was the wrong way of going about things but something told me to house hunt with gusto. I checked out one place that I could live, but would’ve wanted to leave eventually. The price was right, the people were okay. I checked out a house on Government street right in James Bay that I was stoked on until I saw it. Crack shack. The woman was on drugs I think. Her boyfriend just sat in a chair and there was an empty aquarium in the corner. Plastic windows… I returned to Vancouver defeated. My parents told me I was silly for looking for a place because I was/am a broke ass nigga and that I should just look for a job in Vancouver. Well, I caved. But after one shitty rainy day, coffee with my good friend Lindsay Kasting, peach schnapps, a haircut and then pizza with Awesome Dave my old roommate, I was set on going to Victoria again. So I did. I emailed a few more places and one returned my plea. I crossed my fingers hard and went to look at it. And then I fell in love. A smaller house right in the most perfect part of Fernwood, 5 minutes from Fernwood Square, 7 from Derek, multicoloured walls, laundry, awesome roommates. I stayed and hung out with them for 45 minutes and then had to leave because they had another person checking out. I left Victoria for Washington with the constant hope they would pick me. Derek suggested I buy them a fruit basket, but I settled on an email. 4 days later as I was laying on the porch in Washington contemplating a canoe cruise, my phone rang. It was Veronica asking me if I would be her and Heather’s roommate. I screamed a little bit. And said YES YES YES! and danced around a bit. Then I headed back to the island with the daunting task of finding a job. After aprroximately 2 days looking for work I had a full time job. Poof. Derek said I have a horseshoe shoved up my ass. Which I suppose is true given the luck I was having. This whole time too I kept running into the beautiful blue eyed man of cafes past and having coffee with him. I moved my life here last week. I started work last Sunday. I love love love everything. I’m a bit lonely but when have I not been a bit lonely. I feel so much more fucking relaxed in this city than I ever did in Vancouver. Biking around here is the best thing ever. I know it is just a matter of time before I find my niche. I’ll definitely be ready for school come January.
Skyla was in town the past few days. I haven’t seen her for about a year and a half and it was fucking wicked to see her again. We took her beautiful van out to French Beach for a picnic and a run by the ocean. It is so fucking beautiful here it blows my mind apart. Matt is coming to visit and I keep thinking about how crazy it is to think he’s never seen the ocean. And just how different the landscape is. I remember always thinking that whenever I’d travel around the country. B.C is always so much more rugged and exciting than anywhere else. Who would ever want to leave here?