kitchen table. sunny early afternoon. strongbow. kraft dinner.
what. i’m excersizing my abilities as a dirtbag for a while before i go to work.
i read pretty much my entire blog last night before i went to bed. it’s funny, in my older entries i was really funny. and rude. i like that about myself. my ability to be rude.
woopsie.
today as i walked downtown basking in the sunshine, coat in my bag a homeless man sitting in a doorway looked at me and with a crazy smile on his beat up face said “Is it summer out!!!?!?”
“sure feels like it eh?!” i responded.
it’s days like today, when i’m feeling down for whatever reason, i remember that it’s fucking february and i could very well be in a snowbank. this city is a wonderful alternative to that. the fucking cherry trees are blossoming for godssake.
this is the month that all who treeplant begin to feel the tingle of anticipation about going back to work. five days into the month and i’ve had 3 job offers and many friends from last season who i havent talked to in months getting back in touch with me wanting to know where i’m going, what i’m doing.
the national planter-planter dialogue is happening again;
‘where you working?’
‘who you working for?’
and the olympics are upon us. i’ve been on the Olympic Resistance Network’s mailing list for a few months now and only recently have i been reading articles like crazy. i find some comfort in knowing that journalists in the uk seem to know whats going on, financially speaking that is. whenever i talk to people about it though theres always at least one guy who’s like ‘dude just fucking get over it already. the olympics are coming.’
uh. thanks. for that.
the olympics invading isnt the issue anymore. it’s how they did it/are doing it. its about the billions of dollars spent on crap we don’t need while people are still living in squalor, schools are getting shut down and social programs are getting cut like fucking crazy. it’s about the fact that for 2 weeks the city of Vancouver is basically one big fucking billboard. it’s about VANOC forcing people to cover brand labels on public television screens because they aren’s panasonic and forcing volunteers to dress only in ‘official olympic sponsored apperal. it’s about how fucked up it is that companies are preying upon people’s patriotism and using that as an opportunity to get them to buy shit. the amount of crap people living in vancouver had to go through in order to make the city more olympic friendly is absurd. promises made and not delivered by the local and provincial governments has made the city jaded. so-called ‘improvements’ to the province really were just done to benefit the games. case in point: the ‘new and improved’ highway to squamish/whistler. the old one was a bit too windy they said. too risky to drive. bullshit. if the olympics weren’t coming that road would’ve stayed the way it was for years. and because people have to get there lickety split to watch a glorified stoner snowboard down a hill, several kilometers of natural habitat got completely knocked down. i can think of several roads that would improve the province more if they were re-constructed. but it isn’t about highways or big ice rinks.
another thing that comes to mind is the ‘vancouver is the be all end all’ attitude of so many people on the lower mainland. b.c is fucking massive and the view of so much of the population in the south seems to be that the world ends in surrey. people in vancouver don’t seem to give a shit about the rest of the province. i grew up in the north and since the olympic bid went in, 14 schools were shut down in and around prince george. the time it takes ambulances to show up anywhere in the province is ridiculous. resources in far north communities were lacking and now they’re lacking even more because gordon effing campbell needed a few more dollars here and there to build some uneccessary goddamn building in richmond.
the thing that pisses me off the most about the olympics though is this: the fact that when it comes down to it, i can’t name a single person i know personally who’s actually going to the games. that’s the real kicker.
when everything is said and done though there isn’t much anyone can do anymore but protest. and my thoughts and best wishes go out to anyone who decides to join in the action over the next few weeks.
represent.
a series of text messages sent to me from my dear friend derek:
derek: nice fucking moustache you freak
me: hey, don’t be talkin smack about my stache
derek: not you. this yuppie in habit this morning. i couldn’t say it out loud so i had to text it. like oh yah cool levi’s 501’s rolled up over your rockport boots and cashmere blazer and asymmetrical haircut. shave that shit off your snarled upper lip. if you put half the effort you put into dressing yourself this morning into basic personal hygeine maybe you wouldnt have to strut around like such a prick. you smell like a dead farm animal. you’re not fooling anyone douchebag. i honk and you drop your vampire weekend cd.
my friends are fantastic.
my ankle is swollen and purple, the result of dancing gone horribly wrong and i’ve just learned that bananas are satan’s fruit.
i came home tonight and the stove was on. that made life interesting. considering i cannot recall the last time i used to stove and also considering the fact that veronica’s been out of town for a few days and heather was out of the house all day.
hmmm a mystery that shall remain a mystery. until of course the good ol’ heating bill comes along. and if it’s anything to worry about we will surely notice.
today was the first day it really felt like christmas. and i say that only because everyone everywhere was possessed by something urgent and insane. it doesn’t feel festive here at all. i blame it on lack of snow. and lack of christmas music. i have (thankfully) not been subject to the usual blarings of christmasy songs that indicate the season is here. i’m not complaining about that either. no christmas music is a very very good thing.
i searched high and low around downtown for a good gift for my brother. i found one finally but by the end my soul felt as though it had been sucked out through my eyes. going to work was almost a relief. it was somewhat normal there.
i leave tomorrow morningish for the ferry which will take me to vancouver where i will meet up with my brother and go to the states. christmas at the cottage. thank god. im done with cities for a few days. on christmas day i plan to canoe out into the inlet and sit there for a few hours.
and now for something completely different.
fuck matters of the heart. naturally, the second i stop caring, members of the opposite sex are like ‘oh hey.’ i’ve found myself with a new friend. a person i enjoy hanging out with to no end and who is smart and just lovely. and i feel like a dickhead because while this person’s intentions are quite clear to me, mine are not. and i’d hate to be ‘that girl’. the one that fucks with the heads of innocent boys who can’t help but care.
so so so so so
since i’m currently sucking with this updating thing i’ll do it now. the time is right. 3 am.
what the hell else am i going to do?
nothing. that’s right.
it is a rainy one tonight. the guy at the video store called it ‘yuletide persipitation’ or something. he said “think about how happy the ducks are”
“i wish i was a duck.” said i as i pulled on my hood and slumped out the door, dvds tucked under my arm.
had a semi awkward and uneventful breakfast with a new friend. i blame it on the fact that his mind had been so recently scraped by exams. i refuse to believe i am (sadly) attracted to boring people. i’m not.
and my birthday was good. this post has A.D.D. i recieved a poem from a man who comes into the cafe. his name is micheal and he is irish. he’s befriended natahna and i. she said “i think we’re like his daughters”
feels like it sometimes.
natahna gave me an amazing little creature she created that i promptly fell in love with. i still haven’t named him and he lives by my bed.
my parents paid to get my bike fixed and came for a visit for a few days. a little glimpse into my life i guess.
we cleaned out the fridge. what a fucking show that was.
i’m leaving victoria in a few days to spend christmas in washington with the fam before bussing up to the northern motherland. i’m pumped to get out of here for a while. eat some fancy cheeses. see my brother.
keeps the big scary monsters away.
that is the name of my new project. me and trish (my boss at work) shook hands tonight and agreed to take at least one picture every day.
time to get back in the swing.
i watched a good movie just now. ill fated. small town coming of age story. the surroundings made me think of 100 mile. made me long for the quiet north in the summertime. walking down a dirt road with the dust sticking to my boots.
I don’t have a conventional idea of where home is. I haven’t for a few years now. Home has always been where I am. Which is good to some extent but can also be confusing, for how do I satisfy that feeling of going home if I don’t know where that is.
I moved out of the house I grew up in the same summer my parents sold the house and left the city. That’s when ‘home’ changed from being a place to being an idea. And I’m getting a better idea of what home is supposed to be now. Comfort, firmiliarity, love.
Nita and Neil came for a visit and it was awesome. They stayed here for two days and in that time we hung out, drank, shot the shit, laughed, discussed and relaxed. And ate. We ate so much.
And the whole time they were here I felt like I was at home again. So there you go. It’s the people you know, the ones who get you and love you. I’m on this formality we-aren’t-really-friends-yet level with this whole goddamn city it feels. I’m sure it’s something that will change in due time but it’s fucking hard to deal with sometimes. I’m wanting some connection to something, anything.
Course that won’t happen till I stop paying attention.
I met Ruby Moran Dunsmoor today! Yeah! I called Adam and he was ‘Jus’ at the farm pickin’ up some charred.’ So I stopped by a little bit later. And my gosh. She is fucking perfect. I’ve always been fairly indifferent when it comes to babies but I’ve never really met one I’ve been particularly ‘close’ to. By association of course. I’m just so fucking stoked for Adam and Ange. I said ‘Ange. She’s perfect. She looks fully cooked.’
Tiny fingers and toes and stuff. Goddamn. It’s so cool really. I held her and she wiggled a bit. She makes little chirping noises like a bird. They’re moving closer to me and I can’t wait to see her grow. Such a trip.
Neil and Nita are gonna be here in a matter of hours and I am so fucking PUMPED I cannot believe it. I love them and I love having friends who love me around. Low maintenence. Chill on the couch and drink beer time. Yes. Sir.
“You are not always as confident as you look and there are reasons to believe you have come close to cracking of late, but you are still in there fighting. Your indomitable spirit never gives up.”
My horoscope today. And Jesus Christ it was bang on.
The Victoria Public Library is quite the place. My internet at home is down so I’ve been coming here to check email and get movies (the dvd collection is off the heeeezie). Yesterday I was sitting at a computer and there was a lady at the one directly in front of me. Our monitors were back to back so I couldn’t see her face but I could tell she was older, she had a walker and she was incredibly short and fat. And she was dying. I swear to god. Never have I heard such awful hacking coughing noises leaving a human beings body before. It was disgusting. This kept on for quite some time and she was being shot nasty looks from other people using the computers, particularly one guy who looked like your typical chemistry teacher, moustache and all. But she just kept on, hacking and sputtering away for the better part of an hour. She sounded like a really old shitty car that was running out of gas. Or a boat. It was incredibly unnerving. And what with this whole swine vomit thing being blown out of proportion again I thought she had H1N1 for sure. I continued doing what I was doing and after a while I noticed that the sounds of death coming from directly in front of me and ceased to be and I became curious. I was finished doing my thing on the computer and was standing to put my coat on when I looked at her and much to my shock discovered that the woman had fallen asleep. Hand on mouse, head bobbing up and down slightly with each breath, mouth open, tongue poking out of it. Asleep. And then I left the area. How the hell does someone just fall asleep after being so clearly close to the other side? It’s amazing.
I’m back here today and she is not. So if she did actually succumb, I take comfort in knowing her body was rushed away with incredible urgency and alacrity. Thankyou Victoria Public Library. You make me feel safe.
